where does the pee come out of this thing
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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