just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
