fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
