woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
