the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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