took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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