And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
