im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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