Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
