So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
