She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
