I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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