Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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