I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
