Pants 0. Shit 1.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
