My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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