Umm I'm too high to move.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
