he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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