i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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