Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
