just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
