Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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