Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
