Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
