my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
