**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
