so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You ruined the universe
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
