her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
