kristin has been a bad kristin
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
