this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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