Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
