she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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