I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
