No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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