i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
