Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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