im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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