remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
