i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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