i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
