i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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