The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
