No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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