I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Hippo gnu deer
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
