Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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