I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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