haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
