College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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