There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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