I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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