We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
