Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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