you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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